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Do These Normal Behaviours Destroy Relationships?

Friday, Jan 15, 2016

Do These Normal Behaviours Destroy Relationships?

We often have our own behaviours and are with a person who has theirs. We initially believe these are cute before they become a little annoying. What happens when they become really disturbing and drive us to the stage of frustration or anger?

There are many things our partner may do that annoys us and the best thing we can do is to discuss these feelings with them and find a solution. They may have no idea how you feel and we can sometimes get even more upset if they don’t notice your frustration.

If your partner is continually doing something that is now irritating you speaking to them is an absolute must. If you don’t this irritation may escalate for you while your partner may remain completely in the dark not recognising you feel this way. After all, we are not mind readers.

Some of the main irritations our parent can have that can destroy our relationship include:

  1. Leaving things around or on the floor and not picking up after themselves.
This is often one of the main areas of contention in a relationship. One person continually leaves their clothes, shoes or dirty cups or dishes around. This can be very selfish, especially if you partner has requested you behave like an adult instead of a child. After all, your mother is no longer on hand to do everything for you, not that she should have been for the past decade anyway. If this is an annoyance for your partner, do the adult thing and pick up after yourself. Leaving things around knowing your partner is unhappy about it means you are doing it deliberately to cause hurt or distress to your partner. This is not respect or love. Act like the mature individual you are please, and pick up your stuff.

  1. You expect your partner to be a mind-reader
The fact is none of us can read minds. Females have a better ability to read body language usually and expect their male partner to be able to do the same. This is incorrect; they usually can’t. If you have something on your mind or are upset, please speak to your partner about it and never believe they will figure out what is wrong. When we do speak, it is important we are permitted to express our feelings and never be told we are wrong. The other mistake often made is when one partner does notice something is wrong and they ask you and your response is either “well if you don’t know it isn’t worth speaking about” or “Nothing, I am fine” this is unhealthy. We should be in a relationship where we feel comfortable enough to share our emotions with our partner. If you do not have this in your relationship, I strongly suggest obtaining some Counselling to aid this to grow and develop. If we can not be heard, understood and have the feeling of openness, this can be a real nail in the divorce coffin.

  1. You keep a list of their behaviours or actions you do not like
If we keep such a list, as some people do, this is harmful to the relationship. It usually means something is bothering you and you are either unable or unwilling to discuss it. By bottling things up and exploding with an array of grievances you are hurting your partner and your relationship. Listing bad behaviours or habits is disrespectful and condescending to your partner. Take the higher and more mature ground and discuss like an adult. And remember, what is annoying to you may not be to them. If and when things appear that bother you, try to adjust. If you are unable to, then speak to them quickly and quietly about this. When we do speak to them, it is always wise to have a solution worked out to make a change easier.

  1. You emotionally blackmail them
When we say things like “if you do this or that again I will leave” it is a form of intimidation or threat. If your partner is doing something you hate this much a good conversation to determine the reason they may be doing it or did it, then ways to ensure it does not reoccur. By making a threatening statement means you place little respect on your relationship longevity and will leave if they do anything you do not like. If every issue explodes into a major relationship threat, it’s a big problem. It creates a whole lot of drama and can make them afraid. We want our partner to feel strong, comfortable and loved in the relationship, threats remove this assurance and leave us terrified of doing something wrong to upset our partner who may leave. We want a relationship where both people want to stay, work on any issue that presents and to find a suitable solution. This is love.

  1. You blame your feelings on your partner
When we blame our partner for the way we feel what is it we are doing? We are saying I have no control over myself and this is absurd. We, in fact, have complete control, not only that we are the only thing in this world we actually can control. We can really only control ourself. We may feel we feel a particular way due to the behaviour or words of our partner but truth be known regardless of what they did, the response we have is completely ours. When we do take full responsibility of how we feel we can start to discuss this with our partner in a far less conflictual manner by not blaming them for our feelings. We can share with them the way we feel and perhaps the reason why however blaming them for making us feel a particular way is never correct.

  1. You or your partner is continually jealous
When we are continually jealous or scared that our partner may cheat this is a matter for serious discussion. You may have been hurt previously by an ex but putting that burden on your new partner can often be too much to carry. It has been known to drive a loving partner away as they always feel they are not trusted even thought they may have never given reason to make you feel this way. If you do have past issues, I implore you to seek a resolution using Counselling. If you do experience a partner continually checking up on your every move you can certainly reassure them regularly that you are not doing anything wrong. If this has not worked and you are feeling pressured then suggest you both seek professional help. Often this type of behaviour can be allayed quickly with support. Trust is one of the most important aspects in a successful relationship.

  1. Sorry seems to be said a lot
If you or your partner continue to say sorry after some dreadful or harsh behaviour, this is a red flag. An apology is always great however if the apology is continual after repeated actions or behaviours then we are not learning anything. Your partner, or you if you are the person doing it, need to focus on the behaviour and actions that are acceptable instead of what you are trying to avoid. When we focus on what it is we want, we can more easily gravitate toward that. A change of behaviour or action may be required. Find the way to obtain a change in the behaviour you want and work on that. I find a tag word works great. If you continually become angry and say harsh words agree with your partner that each time you begin to escalate they call the tag word and you hear it, stop, take 5 to recompose yourself before speaking again. The tag word can be anything not normally said. It can be porcupine, purple dot, anything at all that is not normally said. When this tag word is said, the person who is escalated must stop and wait until they are more clam before speaking again. This alone can dissolve many issues and arguments. It can certainly prevent things occurring or being said that you need to apologise for later.